The Blood Donor at Ros Gill's funeral



	The Blood Donor from Hancock's Half-hour, read by Ken Gill, Ros's brother


		Ros loved a good laugh. For her it was vital for life, like food. She could recite the Blood Donor verbatim - here are a few excerpts l'd like to read to you... I hope you can hear her declaiming them:
I've been thinking about this for a long time. No man is an island. To do one unselfish act with no thought of profit or gain is the duty of every human being. Something for the benefit of the country as whole. What should it be, I thought? Become a blood donor or join the young conservatives? But as I'm not looking for a wife and I can't play table tennis, here I am. A body full of good British blood and raring to go. Nationality ? Aaah, you've nothing to fear there. It's blood your thinking about isn't it? British ! British ! Undiluted for 12 generations - lOO% Anglo-Saxon, with perhaps a dash of Viking. No anyone who gets any of this'll have nothing to complain about. Wanna watch who your giving it to - it's like motor oil - doesn't mix, if you get my meaning. Mr Hancock when a blood transfusion is being given the family background is of no consequence Oh come now, you don't expect me to believe that - after all, east is east And blood is blood Mr Hancock, the world over. It's classified by groups not by accidents of birth I did not come here for a lecture in communism young lady I happen to be a conservative Then kindly behave like one madam Have I had any of the following diseases? How dare you ! No I have not.... And especially that one. I have told you before, I am perfectly healthy and fit ! fit ! If we'd have had our own rocket, I'd have been the first one up there Have I given any blood before? Given no, spilt yes.... Aaah, There's a good few drops Iying about on the battlefields of Europe. Madam, do you mind if I sit here? ... thank you Well, it's a grand job we're all doing Yes, I think we can all be proud of ourselves Some people, all they do is take, take, take out of life. And never put anything back But that is not my way of living and never has been; never has been. Do we get a badge for doing this? Pity. We should have something for people to pick us out by. Nothing grand, just a little enamel thing with a motto. Nothing pretentious, something like 'He gaveth to others so that others may live' You know I'm a great believer in charity. I contribute to every flag day going. The lapels of me suits are always the first thing to go Covered in 'oles they are. Yes I always give what I can. I don't give thousands because I don't earn thousands - but in proportion I give as much as Nuffield. Here, have a look at this - it's all in my diary: Congo Relief 2/6 Self Denial Week 1/8 Life Boat Day 6d Arab Refugees 1/2 Yes it's all down here. Yes I do what I can. My conscience is clear. And when I am finally called by the great Architect. And he says what did you? I shall just bring me book out and say; here you are mate, add that lot up. Oh well then. This is it. Here we go. Over the top. What's he like on the needle this chap, steady is he? McTaggart? Oh that's alright then! Marvelous doctors the Scots - like their engineers, first rate. It's the porridge you know. Lead on McDuff! Ah Goo' morning mister: It's a braw bricht moonlicht nicht the morning t'you habbin yer hoots and yer lassie and the caber and hoots and the hi Sit down Mr Hancock... Now this won't hurt Ooh cor blimey...oooh. Well that's that then - I'll take my cup of tea and biscuit now. Nothing to it really is there really? I'm surprised everyone doesn't do it.... don't hesitate to get in touch if you need any more.... Just a smear? It may be a smear to you mate, but it's life and death to some poor wretch A sample? Well how much do you want? A pint? Have you gone raving mad? I came in here is all good faith to help me country. I don't mind giving a reasonable amount, but a pint! That's very nearly an armful. I'm sorry, I'm not walking around with an empty arm for anybody - a joke's a joke... Now look chum, everybody to his own trade I grant you - but if I've got 8 pints then obviously I need 8 pints And not 7 as I will have by the time you've finished with me No I'm sorry, I've been misinformed I do something else.... AB negative? Is that bad? Rhesus? They're monkeys aren't they? What are you implying? I didn't come here to be insulted by a legalised vampire! Rare eh? Really? Well of course I'm not surprised. I've always felt instinctively I was somehow different from the herd Something apart, I never fitted into society Always a bit of an outsider Well that explains it - AB negative - one of nature's aristocrats. Yes, well of course, this does throw a different complexion on the matter If I am one of the few sources, one doesn't want to hog it all so to speak. In that case I'll do it. We AB negatives must stick together - we could be persecuted. As a matter of interest what group are you? Huh!